Neither within, nor without.

Being neither within nor without is something we have all felt at one point or another. Prolonged times with this emotion can lead to the severe feeling of being left alone in this world.

For quite a while now, I have been feeling neither within nor without: and it has been eating me from within. To begin this story let me roll the tape back to 2016.

2016 was an year of hope for me. Not just for me, but for all those who were my age, for we had just finished Ordinary Levels. Although the terrifying prospect of Advanced Level was looming over us, we all took some time to cool down, knowing we had a good 3 months of soft work, before the hard times began.

It was during these months I got into my first relationship. It was during this year I made one of my biggest achievements. Yet I was not happy.

Fast forward an year, my relationship ended. To this date I’m not aware of the specifics of the break-up I went through, but I know for sure that it was one of the messiest and ugliest things to ever happen to me.

It was nothing but sheer desperation and heart break from this point onwards. I knew I was supposed to put my best efforts into getting good results at Advanced Levels, but it was getting harder and harder to concentrate. But what really made it difficult, was finding out that I was no more nowhere near my friends, who I used to compete head to head with for 11 odd years.

In comes the feeling of being neither within nor without. Before all this I used to run in many different circles: brainy groups, wild groups, artistic groups. I used to feel loved and liked by everybody. Until of course, that wretched feeling kicked in.

From that point onwards, I felt alone. I had many contacts on my WhatsApp and Instagram, but nobody to talk to. I could feel the need of my friends to leave me out of conversations, simply because I was not good enough anymore. I could feel the eyes watching me roll, for I went from the performer to the tag along.

It was around this time I lost my appetite to eat, to go out or to simply to do anything. Things weren’t so interesting anymore.

They say that having expectations is bad; expectations means disappointment they say. I used to laugh at these comments, until I felt it myself.

I hoped that after Advanced Levels things would go back to normal. I assumed my friends would start treating me normally again, and I expected to feel wanted and loved. Only if I knew the disappointment that was in store for me.

Fast forward to present day. Here I am, having done Advanced Levels. A stranger, running around in circles, trying to fit in, with no effect. The brainy bunch is doing their own thing, the wild bunch is travelling around and well, being wild, and here I am, once again alone at home, nobody to call, nobody to out with. Here I am, neither within nor without.